Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
