I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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