make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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