you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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