totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
