Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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