guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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