i already hear my dad disowning me
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
