I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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