I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
