just tell him i said nine months
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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