good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
