She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
