The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
