My liver just broke up with me...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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