The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
