Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up under a house in Key West
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
