You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
