I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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