my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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