no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
