I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
