Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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