I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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