My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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