There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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