I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
