I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
