my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
