Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
