I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
