I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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