What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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