So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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