Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize