the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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