Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
