I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
