dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
