At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
