I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
