are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
