Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have post one night stand depression
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
