Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
