dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Quick, to the slutcave!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
