I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
