Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Of course I have a pirate flag
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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