Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
