I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize