you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
