Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
