The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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