i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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