I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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