well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Blood and glitter go together right?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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