I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
