So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
