totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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