is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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