She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
