It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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