all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
