if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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