As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
