Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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