Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize