and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
