Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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