You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
